The Benefit of Hindsight

How often have you heard the expression "It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do?". Well, in all honesty, there are some things I did that I regret bitterly, and bitter not in the sense of "eeew-screwed-face-bitter" but more like "spit-it-out-and-wash-gargle-mouth-with-listerine-and-drink-listerine-and-still-feel-horrific-bitter". Of course the extent of regret does have a wide spectrum. For one end of it you have "I wish I didn't drink that much last night" and you swear you will never binge again, only until the next craving sets in, and you discard that altogether. Right at the polar opposite, you have deeds commited that three quarters of a year down the road, you still cringe and wonder if your brain was taking a siesta at that juncture. The only reason why I say three quarters of a year is because that is exactly how long it has lapsed to date. Perhaps, ten years down the road, I will look back and still cringe at that incident and conclude my brain was on a pilgrimage at that juncture.

Now what I am about to write about is decidedly devoid of gallantry, grace and chivalry but knowing me as some of you do (actually I think this is only applicable to RW), it is scarcely out of character especially in this regard. Anyway, the prologue has dragged on longer than it should (as always) so on to the main issue direct:

If the scope where our collective memories intersect can be traced back in terms of decades, you would recall that as an adolescent with raging hormones and non-existent wisdom, my pursuits during those teenage years were varied and frequent, on many occasions, having a volatility that would resembles some gases I would be able to recall had I paid more attention in chemistry classes back then. Anyway, looking back, there were many cringe-worthy moments but I do suppose my the idyllic (idiotic) nature of youth would suffice as a defence. Having met some of my ex-crushes after the passage of time has ravaged them (oh man, I am such a gentleman) I certainly have cause for rejoicing that in detailing our experiences, its entirely in past tense.

After graduation, perhaps its maturity, perhaps its fatigue, perhaps its just meeting someone who forever changed my life, my pursuits have been fewer, few and far between, dare I say. Which only serves to add to the disgust that wells up upon self-reflection. At a juncture when one had all but given up hope on the Special One (or so I thought), one decided that compromise would have been an inevitable option. Suffice it to say, for not the first time, I was totally wrong.

When your intended compromise views you as a compromise she is not willing to make, adding insult to injury ceases to be a mere cliche. It is one thing to fail to hit the bull's eye but its quite another to fail to hit the board altogether. The sense of failure does not merely descend, it envelopes. Engulfs. Encompasses your entire being.

Anyway, moving right along, you would think that one is able to get over the incident entirely given the curative prowess of time. In an sense, one does. In another sense, an entire new dimension has been introduced into this equilibrium. Rather than being plagued by depressive thoughts associated with failure, it is a feeling of "What-on-earth-was-I-thinking?????????" that surges. A few pointed but relevant questions that came up were:
1) Was I blind?
2) Had I totally no taste?
3) Had desperation totally overwhelmed me?
4) Can I kill everyone who had knowledge of that incident?

Whenever someone brings up that incident, I cringe. Period. C. R. I. N. G. E. And then suppress the bile that rises. Really, one can't make mistakes, can one. Its at times like this I wish I had that gadget that Tommy Lee Jones had in M.I.B. that once flashed, erases the memory entirely. First up would be myself. I still get the shivers thinking how ludicrous my behaviour and intents were. Can I shoot myself?

Well meaning friends best be advised............. This is an episode of my life that would best be forgotten, forever...... Still have the taste of bile in my mouth.....