The Benefit of Hindsight

How often have you heard the expression "It's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do?". Well, in all honesty, there are some things I did that I regret bitterly, and bitter not in the sense of "eeew-screwed-face-bitter" but more like "spit-it-out-and-wash-gargle-mouth-with-listerine-and-drink-listerine-and-still-feel-horrific-bitter". Of course the extent of regret does have a wide spectrum. For one end of it you have "I wish I didn't drink that much last night" and you swear you will never binge again, only until the next craving sets in, and you discard that altogether. Right at the polar opposite, you have deeds commited that three quarters of a year down the road, you still cringe and wonder if your brain was taking a siesta at that juncture. The only reason why I say three quarters of a year is because that is exactly how long it has lapsed to date. Perhaps, ten years down the road, I will look back and still cringe at that incident and conclude my brain was on a pilgrimage at that juncture.

Now what I am about to write about is decidedly devoid of gallantry, grace and chivalry but knowing me as some of you do (actually I think this is only applicable to RW), it is scarcely out of character especially in this regard. Anyway, the prologue has dragged on longer than it should (as always) so on to the main issue direct:

If the scope where our collective memories intersect can be traced back in terms of decades, you would recall that as an adolescent with raging hormones and non-existent wisdom, my pursuits during those teenage years were varied and frequent, on many occasions, having a volatility that would resembles some gases I would be able to recall had I paid more attention in chemistry classes back then. Anyway, looking back, there were many cringe-worthy moments but I do suppose my the idyllic (idiotic) nature of youth would suffice as a defence. Having met some of my ex-crushes after the passage of time has ravaged them (oh man, I am such a gentleman) I certainly have cause for rejoicing that in detailing our experiences, its entirely in past tense.

After graduation, perhaps its maturity, perhaps its fatigue, perhaps its just meeting someone who forever changed my life, my pursuits have been fewer, few and far between, dare I say. Which only serves to add to the disgust that wells up upon self-reflection. At a juncture when one had all but given up hope on the Special One (or so I thought), one decided that compromise would have been an inevitable option. Suffice it to say, for not the first time, I was totally wrong.

When your intended compromise views you as a compromise she is not willing to make, adding insult to injury ceases to be a mere cliche. It is one thing to fail to hit the bull's eye but its quite another to fail to hit the board altogether. The sense of failure does not merely descend, it envelopes. Engulfs. Encompasses your entire being.

Anyway, moving right along, you would think that one is able to get over the incident entirely given the curative prowess of time. In an sense, one does. In another sense, an entire new dimension has been introduced into this equilibrium. Rather than being plagued by depressive thoughts associated with failure, it is a feeling of "What-on-earth-was-I-thinking?????????" that surges. A few pointed but relevant questions that came up were:
1) Was I blind?
2) Had I totally no taste?
3) Had desperation totally overwhelmed me?
4) Can I kill everyone who had knowledge of that incident?

Whenever someone brings up that incident, I cringe. Period. C. R. I. N. G. E. And then suppress the bile that rises. Really, one can't make mistakes, can one. Its at times like this I wish I had that gadget that Tommy Lee Jones had in M.I.B. that once flashed, erases the memory entirely. First up would be myself. I still get the shivers thinking how ludicrous my behaviour and intents were. Can I shoot myself?

Well meaning friends best be advised............. This is an episode of my life that would best be forgotten, forever...... Still have the taste of bile in my mouth.....

Of four letter words

Wait is a four letter word in more sense than one, is it not? Frustrations boil over when you are in this state. Seemingly your life is put on hold as you await the results of a decision that you have absolutely no influence over. A simple "yes" or "no" would alter the course of your life.

As some of you faithful readers out there (although I have absolutely no idea who is left) would have gathered by now, this is typical DC hyperbole. Certainly I am not holding my breath for the answer to my wedding proposal or something of that magnitude, but insofar as impact goes, this is pretty close to the apex of plausible scenarios in my life presently.

A myriad of issues need to be ironed out upon confirmation of this, its as though I am at the threshold of a new era. Yet, trying to predict how things pan out is like trying to monitor the Nasdaq. Without internet access. Or phone access.

Incidentally, I just heard over a podcast that this present generation is described as the digital generation. A generation that has never known what is like not to be able to access information instantly. A generation where research is done more often than not using Wikipedia rather than the good ol' fashion Britannica. I just have to add the very quotable quote I heard (even though it seems out of place here): a generation that thinks of "mice" primarily as computer peripherals rather than rodents.

Since I am still in my twenties, albeit very late twenties, I am a bit of a hybrid between the digital and the print generation. Hope that my traditional sensibilities would sustain me. Although it must be said, in learning the value of patience, I can understand why the same Greek word is translated long suffering in the KJV.

Nothing much can be done, other than waiting for it. Waiting on Him.

What do dreams really mean?

Lately I have been having so many dreams, most of them are probably the equivalent of a episode of say........ really no example comes to me. Probably testifies to how little of television I watch these days. Okay, probably Simpsons, not that its all comic in nature but rather it's a self-contained little dream, everything pans out in one nugget-sized sitting, without any loose ends or continuation to the story. In other words, it's a short and sweet type of dream. And boy were some of these dreams ever ever sweet...........


This week alone, I had a couple of dreams that I have some recollection of. Does it mean anything? Well maybe for starters its a sign that my mind is too active at night, probably because they have been largely dormant during the day time, particularly during office hours where I am ridiculously free. The extent is ludicrous, I reiterate. Since my request for transfer was officially approved and my status is basically that of a chair warmer (i.e. waiting for my replacement to come in), the amount of work I have been assigned ranges from cursory to non-existent. Case in point, it's a monday morning and this morning I have received less than 10 emails, 5 of which are routine reports that are cc-ed to me for no reason other than I was on the mailing list by convention. Remaining 5, 3 are replies to the same theme that requires an attention span of circa 5 minutes (including the time it requires for me to finish drinking my coffee and I am a slow drinker for non-alcoholic drinks). So, it should surprise no one that my nocturnal mind is as active as a cheetah running off with a can of Pepsi Max (man, am I ever so full of s***).

I really think my dreams are pretty much congruent with a lot of thoughts/meditations/hallucinations. I would like to think that those are noctural forthtelling visions but then again I am a perpetual optimist when it comes to certain issues. I suspect only RW would be able to make light of what gibberish I am spouting now. Gosh, I feel like a woman, unleashing a flurry of random sentences and expect others to make sense of it.

Have you ever woke up from a dream thinking that you are so absurdly long-winded, even in your dreams? Have you ever open your eyes wondering who on earth can you share that dream with since it felt so sweet but yet there are certain contents that once revealed, would change the very entire premise of your relationship? Have you ever had three dreams in the same night that could very weave together in one longer dream ala Pulp Fiction? Have you wondered where I am going with this? In typical DC fashion, there is a lot of smoke, a lot of air but in the end, it's a cliffhanger......... Gosh, I should be script writer since lots of movies pan out like this these days........