The winter of discontent eventually leads to the spring of regeneration

The fertile mind of my infertile existence culminates in this, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times: the winter of discontent. A phenomenon that had been raging for some time, affecting me in more ways than one would imagine.

It's been a long winter and the temperature alternates between freezing cold and raging hot faster than gear shifts through a hair pin on a Initial D clip. There are many colors on the canvass of discontentment to be painted, injustice at work, slower progess at work than i envisioned, no breakthroughs in certain areas, unanswered prayers, recurring thoughts that I should not entertain, silly colleagues who are such a pain to work with, unappreciative people, my unappreciative self. In simplicity, it was a deep longing for more. Did I ask too much, more than a lot, you gave me nothing now it's all I got. Ok, that was from U2, not me.

Back to the point, I had become a human whining machine, whining faster than Yngwie Malsteem soloing on LSD. And when I don't whine, the bitterness grows in me like a cancerous tumour. Therein lies the Catch 22 situation: do you whine so that you seek solace from your sorrows henceforth maintaining some semblance of sanity or do you expressively expose your innermost thoughts thereby alienating yourself from anyone who does not have a fetish for misery? Ergo, I blog, unleashing upon the world wide web the pent up frustrations of a panting punished individual. Ok, the last part doesn't really make sense but I thought it had some 'umph' in it, also taking some literary liberties with my attempts at alliteration.

Was it mere coincidence that disappointment chose to hunt in packs, converge like rays of light through a magnifying glass? Was there a deeper root behind all these? Or did the problem lie with the perpetrator of pain? The answer came to me sudden as thunder on a sunny day. As with all sources of wisdom it was from the Bible: Heb 13:5 "Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you" (NKJV). It just struck me, that this sense of depressive bitterness was birthed out of a lack of significance, that I sought worldly achievements or possessions to fill this lack in me. That I feared to be caught inferior in relation to my peers, that I feared my friends would depart, leaving me in a solitary existence. I was hungry and thirsty for more, because I had not drank of the Living waters, have not eaten of the bread of life.

A clearer translation would be found in the Amplified version of the same verse: Let your character or moral disposition be free from love of money [including greed, avarice, lust, and craving for earthly possessions] and be satisfied with your present [circumstances and with what you have]; for He [God] Himself has said, I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down (relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!].

As I meditated on this words, I started reflecting on my behaviour. Was I treating my Almighty as a divine vending machine? Had I soughts the means but not the ends? Was I seeking the gifts and not the Giver? His presents but not His presence? I was seeking success in my career, my social life, my pursuits, my interests merely to fill a void in me, that I needed justification for my existence. Recognition for my endeavors. Fulfilment in futility or futility of fulfilment was all I got simply because I did not address the root. Enthusiasm comes from the Greek words en (in) theos (god), little wonder over the past few months I approached the simple act of getting out of bed the way a death row prisoner approaches the electric chair. I had relegated my Lord to a one dimensional relationship, a divine butler of sorts. When my requests were not met, a basic sense of decency prevented me from raging against my maker, henceforth my rage was directed unjustly against the people around me as well as myself.

Last Sunday, I was lead to this verse, Haggai 1:4-6: “Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled houses, and this temple to lie in ruins?” Now therefore, thus says the LORD of hosts: “Consider your ways! “ You have sown much, and bring in little; You eat, but do not have enough; You drink, but you are not filled with drink; You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm; And he who earns wages, Earns wages to put into a bag with holes.” (NKJV). I realised that I was searching high and low for an answer when I had been asking the wrong question. It wasn't a question of what I needed to do to get my prayers answered, the question was what was wrong with my life. Like a pagan, I had forsaken my relationship with my Savior, relegating Him to a relationship that I felt was comfortable, one where I prayed what I wanted and said 'amen' quickly before I could get an answer. Yet, the issue was simple, the temple was lying in ruins. I looked at some piles of stones and mistake them for a temple, a fleeting flirtation with God and I thought I was walking with Him, a quick glance at the Bible and categorize it as quiet time. It's like swirling some 20 year old single malt whiskey and not drinking (here I must say that I am a whiskey man not a wine person hence a slight deviation off the normal analogy). In short, against all odds I had chose to remain unfulfilled when fulfilment was right at my face.

I can think of no better way to sum this up than the words of the Apostle Paul written in Philipians 4:12-13 "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength." In short, I had been hankering after the wrong things, chasing clouds when all I really needed was one thing.
"One thing I have desired of the LORD,
That will I seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the LORD
All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the LORD, And to inquire in His temple." Psa 27:4 (NKJV)

Sorry that this entry is a departure from my typical bitchy entries. If you were looking for entertainment or cheap laughs sorry to disappoint you cause I just needed to organize and crystalize my thoughts.